Here’s the theme song from the show – It’s still available on MeTV – 4 times a day, 6 days a week.
NOTE
This is my own little vignette. You can’t fact check this, even on quasi-factual Wikipedia. I am making this entire conversation up. Before anyone complains I say again: this is a fictional tale. I have no inside knowledge, no “bugs” in the Georgia Republican Party Headquarters or Doug “I Lost to a Woman” Collins’ home. But here’s how the conversation might have gone – from the outside looking in.
The Scene
A high level Political meeting last weekend at the Republican Party Headquarters off Peachtree in Atlanta. The Chairman of the Georgia Republican Party, Congressman Doug Collins, and Senator’s Kelli Loeffler and David Perdue are around a conference table. They are not socially distanced, and there are no masks. And they’re sharing boiled Georgia peanuts — all from the same bowl.
Act I
“What the Hell happened on Election Day?” cried out the Chairman of the Georgia Republican Party. “Where were all the lines in Atlanta? Who let all ‘those people’ vote so easily? We’ve spent generations stopping ‘them,’ who dropped the ball this time?”
Congressman Doug Collins responded: “Yep, we let ‘them’ all vote, and we lost. Who is going to tell the President — Georgia’s going Blue!!!!”
Appointed Senator Kelli Loeffler chimed in – “Well we can’t say the election was rigged. We’ve got a Republican Governor, a Republican Legislature, even a Republican Secretary of State. And besides, the rest of us Republicans did OK. It was just the President who got beat.”
Senator David Perdue jumped in. “We sure can’t tell the President that. We need him to get his ‘Trumpers’ back out to vote for us in January. If we don’t back his claims of voting fraud then he’ll ‘Tweet’ all over us like Russian hookers in a fancy hotel – and we’ll lose to the Jewish guy and that Black fella.”
Doug Collins continued: “Well where the ‘heck’ (he’s a preacher, you know) is Governor Kemp? He rigged the whole system for us two years ago – no one’s seen him since before election week.”
The Chairman replied, “Oh, Doug boy’s gone down to St. Simon’s Island, and seems to have lost his cell phone. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with this cluster. He’s got enough worries about tangling with Stacy Abrams in two years. If the Black vote turned out for Biden, what do you think they’ll do for Stacy? He doesn’t want to say anything that will make him a even bigger target than he already is.”
Act II
Perdue replied: “Well if we can’t blame Kemp, then somebody’s got to take the fall for this. Someone screwed up and let the election be fair. God (glancing at Collins) Darn-it, we’ve got to blame somebody. What’s the Secretary of State’s name? Brad Hamburger Raffle?”
Collins responded, “His name’s Brad Raffensberger. He was a councilman from John’s Creek, up northeast of Atlanta. And he went to school in Canada for Heaven’s sake – got an engineering degree up there.”
“NOT GEORGIA TECH?” boomed the Chairman. “Well we can’t blame Kemp, he’ll rat us out for 2018. And we can’t admit the election was fair. So lets demand that Raffle-ticket resign for screwing everything up!”
Loeffler and Perdue chimed in together, “We’ll tell Trump Raffle-Ticket did it! Then he’ll blame him – not us – and get the Trumpers out for the January election!!”
Act III
Collins looked grim – he was still a loser. But he knew that there was a way he could make Trump a winner – even though he lost. “Here’s my idea. We claim Raffensberger screwed up – by – maybe – Yes – the mail-in votes getting counted wrong. So we demand that there be a recount. Even better yet make it a HAND recount!!”
The Chairman smiled. “Why, that’ll take weeks. So many weeks, that there won’t be a result when it comes time for the Electors be certified by the Governor to the Electoral College.”
“Yep,” Collins replied. “It fits right in with my favorite saying; ‘it takes a clock and a calendar’. Time will run out, and the Georgia State Legislature will have to ‘pick’ the Electors. And since we control the Legislature, and the Governor to sign off, we can ignore the actual popular vote, screw the Democrats and send the Electoral votes from Georgia to Congress in favor of Trump!!!”
Loeffler was a little slow on the uptake. “But it won’t matter, Biden will still have enough votes to win the Presidency.”
But Perdue got it. “Yep, but Trump will know we took care of him – and he’ll be down here in Georgia having rallies, spreading COVID and convincing all his folks to come on out and vote for you and me on January 5th. Will be Republican HEROS!!!!!”
Post Script
I’d like to say that the Democrats took the hand re-count to court, and won. But it’s Georgia, and not every Georgia tale has a happy ending. The story will continue…
