Coal for Christmas

It’s not Sunday – but this is definitely a “Sunday Story”. Enjoy a Christmas Tale.

NPD Inc.

Modernization, it’s a Santa Claus thing.  Here’s a guy who runs a worldwide distribution network, North Pole Delivery Inc. (NPD Inc.).  He’s always, “just in time”.  There’s a twenty-four hour delivery window, carefully coordinated with the time zones, and, of course, the North American Defense Command (NORAD).  Wouldn’t want Santa shot down, or worse, the cause of a nuclear confrontation between the super powers. 

Of course, someone with that expertise would use the most advanced intelligence gathering process possible.  The “old days” of taking written reports from parents all of the world, then hand collating them to the children available is gone; gone with the old written ledgers at the bank, or the checkbook in the desk drawer.  Now there’s a digitized process, integrating school records, social media information, police reports, and also, direct elfin observation (those odd-looking elves on the shelves).  It’s not your old fashioned St. Nicholas with a pipe and a rocker anymore (and no tobacco use either).

Legal in Jersey

You see, with all the presents requested in the past few years, NPD Inc. discovered what most kids already know:  drones are cool!!!  For just a few hundred bucks, you can vicariously fly around the neighborhood.   Better yet, you can look over the neighbor’s privacy fence to see what’s really going on, and have a birds-eye view of parades, games, and neighborhood celebrations (did you see Mrs. Smith take her top off after that sixth Tequila shooter??).  

The present selection advisory committee, headed by senior elf Jingle, suggested to the intelligence gathering service that the big guy get into the 21st century.  What better way to “know when you’ve been bad or good…” then to have a series of drones observing the “customers?”

It’s Santa Claus:  there’s no such thing as too much of a good thing.   But like any good toy, Santa wanted to field-test “Project Bad or Good” on a limited basis before going to worldwide distribution.  And what better place to determine the efficacy of such an expenditure, than New Jersey.  Afterall, as the musical Hamilton made clear, “…everything’s legal in Jersey”.  

Good or Bad

Dobby the elf who invented the hobby horse, was placed in charge of “Project Bad or Good”, Jersey style.  He gathered dozens of drones, all kinds and sizes, to see which would work best for the planned up-scale.  Dobby carefully selected a cadre of younger elves as pilots, familiar with hand controls from their long experience in testing video games for Santa’s “peddler’s pack”.  And they settled into a temporary headquarters, an old warehouse in Asbury Park, just down the street from the bar where Bruce Springsteen first sang “Born to Run”.   These elves were “Born to Fly”.

“Project Good or Bad” started three weeks ago, with just a few smaller drone flights.  But the information was amazing, masses of “good or bad” behaviors that fully informed Santa who should get presents. And Dobby was able to use infrared technology to answer that all too critical NPD Inc. question:  “…(H)e knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake”.  

With the early successes, Dobby continued to increase the drone flights.  He even went to bigger drones, capable of staying up for hours and provide gigabytes of data on good little girls and boys.   What Dobby didn’t anticipate was the reaction of Jerseyites to the drones.  You’d think that with Manhattan’s waste washing up on the Jersey Shore, and Donald Trump’s first wife buried in a Jersey golf course, drones would be the least of their worries.  

Biden’s Gift

But even ex-Governors, Chris Christie and Larry Hogan (of Maryland, one of the younger elves got lost) got into the act.  So Santa himself was forced to consult with NORAD, to let them know that, truly, they had nothing to dread.

NORAD communicated the Santa-connection to President Biden, who actually giggled.  It was nice to see him smile, the first time since that ill-fated debate with Trump in June.  Biden ordered all government agencies (and his own press staff) to “dummy up”.  Sure, he wanted to back the “big guy”, Santa.  He knew him well from his childhood days in Scranton, back in the late 1880’s.  But all of the drone uproar was also drawing attention away from the incoming Trump administration.  Biden knew full well; the one thing Donald Trump wants most is attention.  Drones were the best “gift” Biden could give the President-elect.  He gave Dobby full authorization to continue.

“Get Ova-h It”

But some in New Jersey took things into their own hands.  Shots were fired at the NPD Inc. drones, and rumors that they were Iranian, or Russian, or Isis; spread like Christmas Ale at the office party.  An old broken down trawler, marooned two dozen miles at sea, was identified as the “Iranian Mother Ship” sending drones to spy on the good citizens of Jersey.

Dobby reported back to Santa:  “The drones work great, but folks in Jersey are crazy”.  Santa was nervous; it was close to “game time”, only weeks before Christmas.  The old man wasn’t interested in distractions.  “Either the folks in New Jersey ‘get ova-h it’, or they’re not going to be happy on Christmas morning!!!”

We’ll see what happens.  Maybe New Jerseyites will settle down, or maybe Dobby brings in the stealth drones intended for the Ukrainian military stockings in two weeks.  But if the good citizens of the Garden State don’t get with the Christmas spirit, there’s one thing for sure.

Invest in coal stocks.  Because there’s likely to be a shortage – all the coal will be in stockings hung by the chimney with care — in New Jersey.

The Sunday Story Series

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Author: Marty Dahlman

I'm Marty Dahlman. After forty years of teaching and coaching track and cross country, I've finally retired!!! I've also spent a lot of time in politics, working campaigns from local school elections to Presidential campaigns.

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