{"id":7543,"date":"2024-12-16T08:01:51","date_gmt":"2024-12-16T13:01:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dahlman.online\/?p=7543"},"modified":"2024-12-16T08:01:51","modified_gmt":"2024-12-16T13:01:51","slug":"coal-for-christmas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dahlman.online\/index.php\/2024\/12\/16\/coal-for-christmas\/","title":{"rendered":"Coal for Christmas"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

It’s not Sunday – but this is definitely a “Sunday<\/em> Story”. Enjoy a Christmas Tale.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

NPD Inc.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Modernization, it\u2019s a Santa Claus thing.  Here\u2019s a guy who runs a worldwide distribution network, North Pole Delivery Inc. (NPD Inc.).  He\u2019s always, \u201cjust in time\u201d.  There\u2019s a twenty-four hour delivery window, carefully coordinated with the time zones, and, of course, the North American Defense Command (NORAD).  Wouldn\u2019t want Santa shot down, or worse, the cause of a nuclear confrontation between the super powers. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, someone with that expertise would use the most advanced intelligence gathering process possible.  The \u201cold days\u201d of taking written reports from parents all of the world, then hand collating them to the children available is gone; gone with the old written ledgers at the bank, or the checkbook in the desk drawer.  Now there\u2019s a digitized process, integrating school records, social media information, police reports, and also, direct elfin observation (those odd-looking elves on the shelves).  It\u2019s not your old fashioned St. Nicholas with a pipe and a rocker anymore (and no tobacco use either).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Legal in Jersey<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

You see, with all the presents requested in the past few years, NPD Inc. discovered what most kids already know:  drones are cool!!!  For just a few hundred bucks, you can vicariously fly around the neighborhood.   Better yet, you can look over the neighbor\u2019s privacy fence to see what\u2019s really going on, and have a birds-eye view of parades, games, and neighborhood celebrations (did you see Mrs. Smith take her top off after that sixth Tequila shooter??).  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The present selection advisory committee, headed by senior elf Jingle, suggested to the intelligence gathering service that the big guy get into the 21st<\/sup> century.  What better way to \u201cknow when you\u2019ve been bad or good\u2026\u201d then to have a series of drones observing the \u201ccustomers?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s Santa Claus:  there\u2019s no such thing as too much of a good thing.   But like any good toy, Santa wanted to field-test \u201cProject Bad or Good\u201d on a limited basis before going to worldwide distribution.  And what better place to determine the efficacy of such an expenditure, than New Jersey.  Afterall, as the musical Hamilton <\/em>made clear, \u201c\u2026everything\u2019s legal in Jersey\u201d.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Good or Bad<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Dobby the elf who invented the hobby horse, was placed in charge of \u201cProject Bad or Good\u201d, Jersey style.  He gathered dozens of drones, all kinds and sizes, to see which would work best for the planned up-scale.  Dobby carefully selected a cadre of younger elves as pilots, familiar with hand controls from their long experience in testing video games for Santa\u2019s \u201cpeddler\u2019s pack\u201d.  And they settled into a temporary headquarters, an old warehouse in Asbury Park, just down the street from the bar where Bruce Springsteen first sang \u201cBorn to Run\u201d.   These elves were \u201cBorn to Fly\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cProject Good or Bad\u201d started three weeks ago, with just a few smaller drone flights.\u00a0\u00a0But the information was amazing, masses of \u201cgood or bad\u201d behaviors that fully informed Santa who should get presents.\u00a0And Dobby was able to use infrared technology to answer that all too critical NPD Inc. question:\u00a0\u00a0\u201c\u2026(H)e knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake\u201d.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With the early successes, Dobby continued to increase the drone flights.  He even went to bigger drones, capable of staying up for hours and provide gigabytes of data on good little girls and boys.   What Dobby didn\u2019t anticipate was the reaction of Jerseyites to the drones.  You\u2019d think that with Manhattan’s waste washing up on the Jersey Shore, and Donald Trump\u2019s first wife buried in a Jersey golf course, drones would be the least of their worries.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Biden\u2019s Gift<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

But even ex-Governors, Chris Christie and Larry Hogan (of Maryland, one of the younger elves got lost) got into the act.\u00a0\u00a0So Santa himself was forced to consult with NORAD, to let them know that, truly, they had nothing to dread.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

NORAD communicated the Santa-connection to President Biden, who actually giggled.  It was nice to see him smile, the first time since that ill-fated debate with Trump in June.  Biden ordered all government agencies (and his own press staff) to \u201cdummy up\u201d.  Sure, he wanted to back the \u201cbig guy\u201d, Santa.  He knew him well from his childhood days in Scranton, back in the late 1880\u2019s.  But all of the drone uproar was also drawing attention away from the incoming Trump administration.  Biden knew full well; the one thing Donald Trump wants most is attention.  Drones were the best \u201cgift\u201d Biden could give the President-elect.  He gave Dobby full authorization to continue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGet Ova-h It\u201d<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

But some in New Jersey took things into their own hands.  Shots were fired at the NPD Inc. drones, and rumors that they were Iranian, or Russian, or Isis; spread like Christmas Ale at the office party.  An old broken down trawler, marooned two dozen miles at sea, was identified as the \u201cIranian Mother Ship\u201d sending drones to spy on the good citizens of Jersey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dobby reported back to Santa:  \u201cThe drones work great, but folks in Jersey are crazy\u201d.  Santa was nervous; it was close to \u201cgame time\u201d, only weeks before Christmas.  The old man wasn\u2019t interested in distractions.  \u201cEither the folks in New Jersey \u2018get ova-h it\u2019, or they\u2019re not going to be happy on Christmas morning!!!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ll see what happens.  Maybe New Jerseyites will settle down, or maybe Dobby brings in the stealth drones intended for the Ukrainian military stockings in two weeks.  But if the good citizens of the Garden State don\u2019t get with the Christmas spirit, there\u2019s one thing for sure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Invest in coal stocks.  Because there\u2019s likely to be a shortage \u2013 all the coal will be in stockings hung by the chimney with care — in New Jersey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Sunday Story Series<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

2021<\/h4>\n\n\n\n